Thursday, 2 May 2013

Listening to Shame

Some months ago, I was incredibly moved by Brene Brown's TEDx talk 
"The Power of Vulnerability".

Today, I felt vulnerable. 
I have what Brene calls a "vulnerability hangover"
I had opened myself up, exposed myself.
I felt completely unguarded.

Despite the fact that it was with someone I love deeply
It felt raw. 

Connections bring purpose and meaning to our lives;
I have previously blogged about the connections in my life.
I am blessed that my vulnerability has given me the ability 

to love and be loved wholly.

Today's hangover was fuelled by one thing; Shame.


The I am not's.
I am not enough.
I am not good enough,
I am not pretty enough,
I am not thin enough,
I am not smart enough, 
I am not funny enough,
I am not young enough,
I am not ladylike enough, 
I am not important enough.


Opening up and being vulnerable had bought on this shame spiral.
Why? I thought Brene said that vulnerability is imperative to connection? 
Well it is.
But instead of wading in my shame, looking at it, then walking away. 
I stayed stuck and floundering in my own self worthlessness.
I needed to get out.
I FB chatted my love and he said this:

"its funny how sometimes our minds think about stuff from the past that really doesn't matter at all"

and he was right.
My sense of self worth was being drawn from things that were and things that no longer are.
I am letting go of that.
I am knowing my worthiness.

I am worthy of the love that I receive, I will accept it graciously. 
I am worthy of the happiness I feel, I will seek it and allow it to flourish. 
I am worthy of the joy I experience, I will share it with others.

But what I realised too is that I have to have the courage to be imperfect and to connected with others imperfectly.

"I would walk 1000 miles if I could just see you, tonight"

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