Wednesday, 17 April 2013

I'm a Survivor

I'm a survivorI'm not gonna give upI'm not gonna stopI'm gonna work harderI'm a survivorI'm gonna make it I will survive and keep on survivin'- Destiny's Child, Survivor 

It's been 2 years. 

I am still alive. 
Because of friends, family, my babies, my man, therapy and drugs.
These years have been long, swift, changing, challenging, beautiful, awkward, evolving, educational and a blessing. 

Not only have I noticed changes in me; I have witnessed changes for my family and friends. 
Princess A turned her life around with a career change, My sista from another mister is moving to the big city to  follow her destiny, my art-soulmate is engaged to her sweetheart and I await the moment I can witness their marital union, my bro and SIL blessed the world with a beautiful new human, my children make me proud every day with their personal and educational growth. 

There are also new people in my life, and while our friendships are in their infancy, I feel like these beautiful people have been in my life forever. I love my C&D boys, but more I love their WAG's. These women embraced me and made me welcome to their inner circle. Women that I would probably never have met nor "chose" as friends under any other circumstances now fill my Friday and Saturday nights in bars with laughter and fun.

I would be lying if I said that it was all smooth sailing. 
It's not. 
My moods still fluctuate. 
I still struggle to control my emotions and words. 
I still cry and laugh manically; sometimes at the same time. 
But I am managing and sometimes I think that this is the best it will be.
I am ok with that. 

What makes it  more ok, is that there is a man that loves me, 
regardless of my imperfections, he actually embraces and encourages my idiosyncrasies  . 
When things are out of control in my head, he is in control, 
his voice speaks softly to my soul, and levels out my brain. 
His gentle calmness balances out my loud craziness almost perfectly.

The last 12 months have bought art back into my life on a more regular basis. 
Clearly I am blogging again.
I am writing .

I am art journalling. 
I am drawing.
I am painting. 
And I am accepting my mistakes, 
because art is no longer about perfection for me, it is about expression. 

As I am writing this, I am listening to my friends make beautiful music in the living room. 
Reflecting on the choices that I presented myself with 2 years ago, to live or to die. 

I was leaning so heavily towards taking my own life that when I think about it now I can;t believe that it was even a thought in my mind, let alone something I was prepared to do. 
How on earth did I think it would be OK to miss out on all the magic I am experiencing right now.

My life is not perfect but I am content and that is the best feeling ever. 

Happy, Health and Here. 
Photo: GS

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